Little Sap, Newfoundland is rich: there are enough minerals underground to keep a multinational profitable for years to come. But do the people of Little Sap realise they could be on the cutting edge of global-resource extraction? Not on your life! The semiliterate local publisher of the weekly Little Sap Examiner and his gang of parochial Keystone hacks have filled that fish-wrap with silly, beside-the-point debates about local jobs and smelly red-herring editorials about community control of resources.
This shoddy, small-minded paper doesn’t even bother to inform local yokels about the glorious by-products of globalization – massive cuts to social services, lack of low-cost housing, soaring poverty rates, etc., which will all positively impact Little Sap’s competitive environment.
The obsession of Little Sapians with their own wages is indecent. It reveals both the vulgarity of the poor and the ignorance of the hick. If they only had access to modern newspapers, with information relevant to their expendable lives, they would realize multinationals have their best interests and those of the entire world at heart.
Do employers in Indonesia give a flying bat’s crap in hell about the quality of life of their child-employees logging eighteen-hour shifts in locked factories? You bet they do! If those kids weren’t putting in the hours, then those valuable jobs might just go to the penitentiary-factories in China where strapping criminals can whack out a Barbie Doll for just three cents.
So, then, where does that leave the people of Little Sap? The only solution is to cut, cut, cut and compete, compete, compete. Information is powerful in this struggle, so local businesses must boycott their backward relic of a weekly until it starts printing the truth. At the same time, the town fathers should encourage (with tax breaks) all the national media-chains to open local outlets in Little Sap. They will be sure to inform all the slackers what the genius of the market has been telling me ever since I got my inheritance – sink or swim, Little Sapians!
You can’t expect people from the real world to give you money just for mining crap out of the ground you are standing on. Besides, you’d only go and spend it on frivolities that have, for all eternity, kept the lower classes in their bottom-feeding frenzy. If I were a CEO, do you think I’d give the illiterate, lazy, greedy people of Little Sap yet more money to spend on Cheez Whiz and peelers? No, I would return it to those risk-taking visionaries – the shareholders, and people like me, the celestial navigators of the great ship Free Enterprise.
