Downsizing had its day but now it's passé

Max Prophits
Business Council on National Issues

Many people may be surprised, but my organization, the Business Council on National Issues, has officially called on members to reduce their dependence on "downsizing" in corporate plans.

Some critics may disagree with our position arguing that downsizing is the most important engine of our economy. That it keeps corporate profits in the stratosphere, gives dividends a healthy boost, makes mega-mergers an everyday occurrence and, most importantly, inspires the stock market on its breath-taking upward spiral.

I cannot deny that downsizing was the great economic miracle of the 1990s and made many of us very rich. Nobody knows this better than a CEO of one the big three (oops, five) chartered banks. A week after achieving record profits they can announce thousands more layoffs and push the value of their stock options into orbit.

Unfortunately, downsizing also has its dark side. Despite the fact it has been an unqualified boon, irresponsible elements of society try to portray it as some kind of monstrous evil. They whine and tear their hair, blaming downsizing for everything from the "undeserved poverty" (now there's an oxymoron) of laid-off workers, to increases in crime and the decline of their beloved social programs.

Let's face it, anyone who hasn't at least tripled their net worth and investment income through the stock market in the last decade DESERVES to be on welfare. Perhaps they should consider accountant-assisted suicide to relieve their symptoms of painful economic incompetence and to cure them of terminal stupidity.

The irony is that this carping cabal of professional protesters and miscreant media workers with unreformed leftish guilt-complexes has succeeded in poisoning the golden economic goose. After extensive polling and focus groups, our organization admits that there are just too many negative connotations today to the word "downsizing."

As a result, we are calling on Corporate Canada to innovate new business models that feature broad-based strategic reinvestment in profits and truly effective long-term dividend enhancement. We know that the entrepreneurial energy and creative semantic synergy of our country's best minds will provide exciting solutions.

We confidently expect this year's business plans to institute a new breed of progressive institutional reinvention programs such as: externally directed re-employment, involuntary job retraining, workforce maximal miniaturization, recapitalization of post-worker assets, and executive compensation upsizing.