D'Apostle pledges to lead the financial faithful to the promised land.

TORONTO • The Business Church of Self Interest (BCSI) gathered 250 of the chosen few in Toronto last week for a CEO Summit on the Mount. BCSI high-priest Thomas D'Apostle told the cell-phone bearing multitude that "Canada's cherished ceo-ocratic institutions must be born-again to make this country the best place in the world to be rich."

The congregation was a diverse cross-section of Canadian CEOs-- from the largest domestic corporations to subsidiaries of the biggest US multinationals. D'Apostle reminded them of past BCSI successes, and he promised even greedier salvation in the future. "Fifteen short years ago, before the great free-trade crusade, our organization was just another hobby-horse lobby-group with a few million dollars to spend, but today we can count on the obeisance of Canada's most important politicians," he enthused.

"Some heathen fringe-elements, who's own narrow special-interest has poisoned their hearts, may whisper conspiratorially about a 'corporate agenda' but these are just tired, vestigial echoes of the past," D'Apostle noted. "As far as governments, politicians, the media and policy makers in this country are concerned there IS only one agenda-- Ours," he proclaimed to shouts of "Praise the TSE" from the assembled suits.

But D'Apostle acknowledged that the BCSI still had some difficulties to overcome in their relations with government. He admitted that his organization "just can't keep up. Governments from Alberta to Ottawa are turning our policies into legislation faster than we can formulate new ones. Free Trade, NAFTA, deep social spending cuts, privatising crown corporations, vastly reduced regulation of business, pauperized public pensions, virtually unlimited foreign investment, environmental self-policing, massive public service downsizing, impoverishing EI rules, high interest rate/low inflation policy, 1500% increase in patent protection for corporate intellectual assets, tax cuts for the wealthy, deficit elimination, corporate tax reduction, slashing the capital gains tax, debt reduction, increased foreign content in RRSPs, bleeding of the CBC, most favourable treatment of stock options and investments-- all our most outlandish demands have been implemented by eager politicians, sometimes even before we articulated them," D'Apostle said.

To illustrate this, D'Apostle pointed out that in December 1998 the BCSI seemed like a voice in the wilderness in demanding $3-5 billion in tax cuts and now, just over a year later, Paul Martin Jr. has already delivered over $58 billion in tax reductions targeted to higher income individuals and business.

That's what makes this year's BCSI Summit on the Mount so important according to D'Apostle. He told the business faithful they need "to embrace a new vision of Canada, a new set of demands so excessive that even the most sycophantic governments won't catch-up to us for a couple of years."

"That's why the BCSI executive had its acolytes working so hard to produce the inspirational 'Global Champion or Falling Star'-- we believe it is just such a vision for this country," D'Apostle thundered. "Thank God that Canada is a ceo-ocracy, so if you endorse this bold initiative today, it WILL be the Canadian consensus tomorrow," he exhorted them. And D'Apostle' oratorical prowess was interrupted by another standing ovation.

"There is much in this divine doctrine for our many friends in media and government. When we denounce the recent pro-business actions of government as 'timid,' 'grudging' and an 'insult,' our brethren will be able to harry any recalcitrant heretics even faster toward our promised land of e-commerce salvation," D'Apostle sermonized.

D'Apostle continued, "And pity our poor, pathetic enemies. For when we demand that Canadians must 'embrace' and love big corporations, that they be thankful and not 'envious' toward wealthy CEOs, and that they must truly believe in profit as an inherently righteous power for good, we will rob those financial philistines of their greatest weapon-- satire. For who could make up statements more outrageous than that?"