BERLIN • Prime Minister Chretien was in town recently to meet with Bill Clinton and other politicians who subscribe to the mild centre-left ideological pabulum which Tony Blair has dubbed the "third way." Chretien's first order of business was to overcome the snub of not being on the original guest list and the humiliation of having to wheedle a second-string invitation.

The prime minister then got down to the serious agenda of appearing statesmanlike and hobnobbing with actual important world leaders and trying to expunge the media memory of his gaffe-a-minute Middle Eastern tour earlier this year. In an attempt to make this thinly disguised cocktail party junket look like a serious diplomatic initiative, the Prime Minister's Office had announced that Chretien would be giving a key policy speech to the assembled leaders.

Alas, the PMO apparently forgot to clear this impressive initiative with the conference organizers and was later forced to acknowledge that the policy document was only circulated "privately." The National Pulpit has now obtained an exclusive copy of Chretien's speaking text and presents some excerpts below.

"...thanks for you to inviting me here and speaking about dis vital Canadian contribtion to de wurld I am calling is de turd way.

"...Now, for me de mos impoortand furs ting abou dat turd way is brown-nosin de big corporations all de time. An notatall just caus dey are mekin big donating to payin for our eeluctions campagn. No it becauzing dey are de ones dat are creatin all doz jobz- lotsa lotsa job for many manyz politicans aftur dey are retirin frum parlament lives. I for me are hopin to hav even half some ov dos corporates director jobz as dat briain mulrooneys.

"...anudder adgenda ting abou de turd way is I callz shwinigin shittin on all dose little peoplez ande unemployz bum. Youze must be makings sure dey are getting cutz and slashing to socialz safetyz net so for inflationing stick to de bottomz.

"...now I am wanting to be telling youz about all of our wonderfuling turd wayz policy in Canada and howz weere differenting it from dat right of wingz CCRAP. Used to beez dem right wing wuz talkin talkin about de deficits all de time but weze already cuttings 40 billionz on de health caring and done flooshed dat deficit down de toilets. Den dem alliances rights unites only talking about taxes cut but we ALREADY cutting of taxes on big banks business and riches peoplez by 60 billionz.

"...In Canadas doze rights of wingerz not carin about de omless or dem poor kidz. But we turd wayzers are much carings and worries about dem. We worries about dem getting in de way of de budget cuttings to all doze social houzings and welfared and unemploys insuring. Buts we having so many idealog principools dat we are cuts and cutting to dem all de day long anywayz.

"...Some of dem silly littlez people askin wyz we not putin backz some ov doze 40 billionz to health cares before cuttin 60 billon taxes but in Canadas we jus laughs and calls dem ndpee poopers party. We teachin dem a ting or two on dat turds way."