Media competition is alive and well outside Mulroney residence

MONTREAL • Another week, another media vigil outside the Montreal home of a former Canadian Prime Minister. And once again confusion reigns as media pitt bulls fight ferociously for the tiniest scrap of bona fido information to infuse their aenemic stories with meaty detail.

The latest media feeding frenzy was sparked by the discovery of a fragment of an allegedly official fax stating that Brian Mulroney was "not well..."

A dizzying whirlwind of queries, speculations, clarifications, assertions, denials and counter-denials and an almost complete lack of facts has kept the cameras and microphones buzzing on this normally quiet Montreal street lined with stately trees and multi-million-dollar faux chateaux.

Rumours and internet chat-room theories have been circulating about the exact nature and potential seriousness of the Mr. Mulroney's mystery illness. Informed expert medical speculators have fingered everything from chin cancer, to a broken arm from patting himself so strenuously on the back in recent weeks, to a dangerously swollen ego aneurism. One particulary disturbing and undenied but unconfirmed story suggests that he is valiantly fighting a deadening flesh-eating disease in his legacy.

The illness hypothesis was bolstered by an interview given by close Mulroney confidant, former Senator and convict Michael Cogger. He stated that the Prime Minister was a "considerable pain" and could hardly walk. He also categorically denied that it was "caused by too much irish whiskey last night."

Cogger's startling revelation has led to another paroxysm of media medical punditry focusing on the possibility of a potentially life-threatening in-grown toenail caused by one of Mr. Mulroney's many too-tight Gucci shoes, a diagnosis provided by a TV podiatrist who carefully reviewed all the video evidence.

Thus far, diligent investigative journalists have almost completely established that the fax did indeed emanate from the office of Brian Mulroney and that it contained the words "not well."

However, some media outlets are now reporting that the authenticated fax had large red-wine stains which previously obscured some words, and that electron mass-spectographic analysis has revealed tat the stricken Mulroney was in fact bemoaning being "not well liked."

Meanwhile a large crowd of ill-wishers has joined the media mob outside Mr. Mulroney's house, giving him round after round of dignified jeers and lobbing large bouquets of overripe tomatoes against his front door.