OTTAWA • If you thought that Gore's inevitable and abject capitulation would make the political-pundit-infested television airwaves safe from navel-gazing, left-wing conspiracy theorists, you'd be wrong. The election nightmare sleep-walking South of the border for the last month may have been finally laid to rest, but our own gangs of whining extreme-left kooks are still fighting Canada's long-dead federal contest.

These Gore-loving brain-dead zombies rant that our November 27th vote was unfair and invalid because some vast and covert media conspiracy kept their favourite limp-wristed, tree-hugging, tofu-sucking candidate out of the media spotlight. These canucklehead commentators use their most vitriolic and ludicrous foaming-at-the-mouth to accuse Southam, the publisher of this humble paper, of some grand dark design to promote the Canadian Alliance to the exclusion of all other parties.

Hello?!?! The Canadian Alliance lost the election! The overwhelming majority of the media in this country are in fact Liberal lickspittles-- nothing more than grotesque trained seals, goose-pate-stepping around the Ottawa cocktail circuit to a clapped-out Chretien-toadying tune.

But truth and facts are the last things of interest to the cretin-communist champions of dunce-ocracy that call themselves Canadian media critics. They have all the intellectual legitimacy of demented Japanese soldiers hiding out in the forest, drinking their own urine to survive, sniping at anything that moves, and refusing at all costs to admit that the war is over and they've lost.

Southam, on the other hand, is an award-winning organization with high standards of editorial independence and a proud heritage of journalistic objectivity.

Hm-m-m... who to believe?

No doubt there is a conspiracy at Southam-- a conspiracy of high-minded, professional, well-trained, hand-picked editors who work long and tirelessly into the night to ensure the integrity of their publications. It is their selfless effort that stems the smelly tide of rotting left-over sewage which threatens to drown all right-thinking people in this country in a fetid tax-and-spend cesspool.