BAY STREET • Life in Canada is superfluous according to a comprehensive survey of Canada's corporate crème de la crème. The new poll, which was conducted by the Business Church of Self-Interest (BCSI), yielded some surprising results.

Canada's leading CEOs-- whether of leading multinational branch plants or the big five national banks-- felt that the Canadian population was at best revenue neutral and may even be damaging our economic potential.

"Canada is primarily an exporting economy," explained BCSI President and Chief Evangelist Thomas d'Aquino, "so the needs of local citizens tend to be a drain on corporate profits and executive compensation."

According to Mr. d'Aquino there are many business advantages to a zero-population economy. "Well, obviously there would be no more need for Canada's outrageously extravagant social programs, and our obscenely high taxes would fall more into line with other colonized economies," he said.

Mr. d'Aquino noted that despite recent deep cuts to services and tax rates, Canada still has a huge corporate competitivity gap to overcome. "A million straight years of number-one UN livability ratings won't fix that," he snorted.

While some radical left-wing nay-sayers may question the wisdom of a country without any people or jobs, the executive of the BCSI are singing the praises of this concept. "As employment and taxes move towards zero, profits and stock prices will soar towards infinity," crowed BCSI Chairman and Canadian Pacific CEO David O'Brien.

Mr. O'Brien also warned that Canada's rich heritage of resource extraction has lulled many people here into a false sense of employment security. With the giant strides being made in automation, local jobs will soon be as extinct as many of our endangered species.

"By the end of this decade we'll be able to fly in as many Mexicans for the weekend as we need to perform any manual tasks still involved in resource exploitation. And we'll be able to get them back to the Maquilladoras in time for their factory jobs on Monday morning," Mr. O'Brien boasted.

Mr. d'Aquino claimed that global trends are driving Canada toward zero employment and population, and it was high time for the country's politicians to recognize and embrace this new reality. By enacting more profit-progressive changes to our tax, social program, and international trade-law regimes, the Canadian government could help make us a leader in the new post-people economy.

"With an accelerating brain-drain of highly skilled employment to the United States and the flushing of all other jobs to more wage-appropriate jurisdictions, we will soon see Canada's population follow suit. We should grasp this unique opportunity to make Canada the world's first capital-only country," Mr. d'Aquino gushed.

BCSI member CEOs are already doing their part by taking up residence in Palm Beach mansions and Bahamanian tax havens. It's up to the rest of Canada to follow their visionary lead.